Lonliness of Command
by Eleneri
Summary: First in the Rose Shepard series; A slightly AU, definitely expanded scene between Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko after the disasterous Eden Prime mission. The commander isn't taking too well to having Prothean nightmares stuffed into her head, and the lieutenant proves surprisingly easy to talk to.


_**Author's Note:** Mass Effect belongs to Bioware, not me. I'm just paying homage with a work of respectful fanfiction._

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**LONLINESS OF COMMAND**

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**_After Eden Prime:_**

"I don't want to be alone."

"Pardon?" Surprised, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko paused with his meal tray half suspended above the mess table.

"Oh, sorry, Alenko." Shepard smoothed a hand over her hair, making sure none of the dark strands managed to escape the neat bun she confined them in. "Just talking to myself."

"I'm pretty sure I'm a better listener than the mess, Commander. If you're interested."

She chuckled, and the low sound hummed across his nerves. It wasn't something she seemed to do often, and more than once Kaidan had found himself hanging onto those rare moments on Eden Prime when he or Chief Williams had said something that made their XO laugh. Which was totally ridiculous, because she was his commanding officer, and making her laugh was not in his job description.

He pretty much just considered it a perk.

"I'm sure you are a better listener than the table. I was just... I dunno. Talking to myself. Don't tell Chakwas, OK? She'll probably add it to her report. 'Commander Shepard was mind-raped by the only functioning Prothean technology we've found in this lifetime, and now has bad dreams and talks to herself. Or the furniture. She's not picky.'"

He winced at her terminology. "She won't hear it from me, Commander." He slid into the seat across from her. Not next to her. Too presumptuous. Too close. But across was safe, right? All that nice, wide table between them. Problem was, now he could see her face clearly.

She looked troubled.

_Mind-raped_. Kaidan looked down at his plate quickly. Something, hell, a _lot_ of things bothered him about that phrase. It wasn't something that should ever happen to anyone. Ever. Maybe it was worse hearing it from Shepard because she was his XO. Maybe it was because it had happened in front of him. Hell, it should have _been_ him having the long nap and the nightmare. Not her. The beacon had grabbed _him_ first.

But if there was anything he'd learned in Brain Camp, it was that life was not friggin' fair. Ever. And this was not something that could -or should - be talked about in the mess. Maybe it couldn't even be talked about with Shepard. Maybe Chakwas needed to hear this. _This is way, way beyond my pay grade._

Kaidan fiddled with his soda glass. Counting the carbonated bubbles fizzling through the drink was easier than looking at the woman he was personally responsible for having severe mental trauma.

_Mind-rape, Alenko. Just call it what it is. The commander did. Grow a pair and face up to what you caused._

_I can't._

_Then you'd better find something else to say, and fast, because right now you're in the middle of a conversational pause so pregnant it's about to pop out triplet Elcor._

When in doubt, go for the basics. Without looking up. Kaidan studied his tray. Damn thing just wasn't that interesting, but he was going to look at it. "Do you want to talk about it, ma'am?"

Shepard sighed, just a little. "No. I really don't, Lieutenant." She leaned back in her chair and rubbed the back of her neck. "Don't take it personally. I just really don't want to think about it."

Kaidan made his voice gentle. It was hard, since his throat insisted on tightening up whenever he thought about that damned beacon. "Offer's open whenever, commander."

"I can tell it's coming from a shitload of misplaced and inappropriate guilt, but thanks. Hope you'll forgive me if I say I'm never planning on taking you up on it, though. I'm fine." Shepard picked up a piece of bread, twisted it around, but dropped it back onto her plate without taking a bite. "Dammit, I slept fifteen hours. You'd think I'd be hungrier. But I just can't seem to eat much."

It must have shown on his face, the suggestion that no, she was not fine, and maybe she ought to take him up on that offer of a listening ear sooner than either one of them would be comfortable with, because the look Shepard sent him very clearly said "back the fuck off, Alenko."

"It's not that." She rolled her eyes at him. "It's those newsflashes Joker started feeding me after I told him to plot a course for the Citadel." As if on cue, the commander's omni-tool pinged; she consulted the screen, then shut it down. "Like that one. Damn reporters keep referring to me as the hero of Eden Prime." She snorted. "Like I was the only one there. Like I was the only one who could have done something."

Kaidan knew his eyebrows had risen to meet his hairline. "And you... don't like that? Most officers would love to have their names in lights. And you can't exactly have all the names of your squaddies in the newsflash. It'd read like the credits of one of those old vids. Take too long."

"There were exactly three people with me on Eden Prime, Lieutenant. Not exactly vid-credit length lists. I just... I don't like it, all right? I don't like being labelled a hero. It makes me out to be more than I am, and turns people like you and Williams and Jenkins into footnotes in some closed file somewhere. That's not good for anyone."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Begging your pardon, ma'am, but that's a very unusual attitude for an officer to have."

"I'm aware of that, Lieutenant, but I just don't like getting all the credit. It's a lonely feeling." She pushed the remainder of her meal around on her tray studying the patterns she made as if they held the secrets of the Protheans. "I was alone on Akuze. Decided I didn't much like the feeling."

"Commander..." Times like this, Kaidan wished biotics really could read minds like the old wives' tales said, because he had no real idea what was appropriate to say. Again. This was definitely starting to turn into a habit. "So uh... it really is true? Loneliness of command?"

"Or something." She wouldn't meet his eyes, picked up her coffee cup instead.

"Hey." He reached across the table before he could stop himself. Her free hand felt small under his. Warm. Feminine. He let go quickly. "Hey. You're not alone. You've got Chief Williams and me. We're not in the newsvids, sure, but we're here. We're your unit. You're not alone."

It took a moment, a long moment, but Shepard finally met his eyes, and the connection was like nothing he'd ever expected, nothing he'd ever felt before. She was looking at him, _really_ looking at him with those eyes like dark brown sugar, and there was this something, this feeling he couldn't define and didn't want to label, but it was warm and electric and sweet, and it was...

_Completely inappropriate, Alenko._

Shepard broke the eye contact first. She studied the cold dregs of her coffee as if it held the secrets of the beacon they'd lost to Saren. "Sorry, Lieutenant. Guess being unconcious for fifteen hours makes me a little moody."

"I wouldn't call it moody, Commander." Casually, Kaidan picked up his fork. Tiny blue sparks sizzled and sparked from his fingertips. "Maybe introspective. Thoughtful. But not moody."

"What does it take to graduate from introspective to moody? And what the hell was that?"

"Well, you gotta wear black, for starters. And that flash?" Kaidan grinned. "Biotic discharge. Happens when I get emotional."

"Emotional? Really?"

"Or hungry." Silently, Kaidan blessed the designers of the Normandy for giving them low, red-tinted lights throughout most of the ship. Hopefully, the lighting and his own olive complexion would hide his blush. Damn, where was his brain? "Either, really." He fiddled with the fork some more. "Yeah. The Eden Prime thing isn't sitting too well with me, either. Didn't like losing Jenkins. He was a good kid."

"I'm sorry." Shepard's hand moved to cover his briefly, mirroring his earlier gesture, and Kaidan felt the touch zing up his arm and into his chest. It felt like he'd been punched. Biotic static sheeted across his skin in a wash of azure.

She jerked back, surprise clear on her face. "Whoa! Guess you are really upset. And that was really inappropriate of me. Sorry."

"It's OK, Commander." He cleared his throat. "Just startled. My last XO wasn't big on being demonstrative."

"Yeah. Like I said, inappropriate. I just... I'm a little tactile when I see people hurting. Bad habit, I guess. Won't happen again." She fiddled with her cup some more.

Kaidan thought it was entirely possible that his XO was actually blushing more than he was. And he knew damn well that he'd be replaying that touch, and how his biotics had reacted to her, in his dreams that night. Possibly for a lot of nights.

"No problems, Commander." Striving for a normal expression, he turned his attention to his food. "So, uh, is the chow OK?"

"It's the usual MRE slop." Shepard chuckled a little, visibly relaxing. "But after my nap, I figured I'd better get some food in me."

"Hope we reprovision when we hit the Citadel, then. There are some days I'd kill for a beer and a steak sandwich."

"That sounds amazing." The commander looked at the remains of the food on her tray. "I'm not entirely sure what that was, but it was _not_ a steak sandwich."

He looked down at his plate, grateful that they'd passed from their previous conversation to the age-old military tradition of complaining about chow. "I think this is spaghetti. But it might be eggs. Hard to tell from the color, really."

Shepard made a face. "That's it. Once we get this mess sorted on the Citadel, I am going to treat myself to a real meal. That's a solemn promise." Shepard put her elbows on the table and leaned forward, watching her squadmate plow through his food. "God, Alenko, how can you eat that?"

"Well..." Kaidan grabbed a violently purple drink and took a healthy swallow. "I'm a biotic. If it's one thing we gotta do, it's eat."

"Commander?" Ashley poked her head around the corner of the mess. "Joker says we're coming into the Citadel."

Shepard stood. "On my way, Chief." Her tray and cup were disposed of with quiet efficiency. Kaidan was very careful to keep his eyes on his plate and not on his superior officer's truly superior rear end. Not that he'd noticed before this.

"Hey, Kaidan?"

Startled, his eyes shot to hers. She was smiling. Just a little.

"Thanks. For being a better listener than the table."

"Um, aye-aye, ma'am." But he was smiling too.


End file.
